I'm stuck. I realized that I only blog when I'm feeling bad. And after that, I also realized that I blog on specific months religiously every year. Year after year after year, thus, I conclude that I am stuck. I did not intend to get stuck. I don't open this blog on purpose, it calls me. It provides me space to rant and rave and be crazy and say what I want without judgement. This is my space of abysmal existence. For the past few days I have been considering where my relationship with him is going. At this point, this is the farthest that I've come to being with someone. That's probably the reason why I'm happy, I'm happy with myself and how I've come so far. But am I happy with him? For the last 8 months or so, I did not and dare not question my happiness. Everything was fine, I was in love. But it had to lead to this. I hate the lying. I hate the feeling of being kept in the dark. I hate that he is young and wanting another life, something where I don't fit. I hate his complacency and yet I provide him assurance. I hate that I'm seeing someone as a better partner than him. I hate to be feeling weird. I am not above emotional cheating. If he imagines a life without me, why can't I imagine a life without him? Recently I went out with my friends and they reminded me how to live life, again. I have been stuck in this rut. I am depressed. But I shall live pass this moment, I need to move.

I may not be able to write anything by the end of this month so I post an early note just to be sure. Its hard to keep things at bay again, we've been having petty arguments more frequently now and it sucks big time. I wish to keep this until I can and I know i will be hard, I've been having dreams about ending this relationship since we started fighting. It always end with me going away and getting lost and I don't want to be lost again. This year hadn't been the easiest, I had to give up most of my life for the past few years, people I've been with, habits I've formed and even things that I've done. But I know what I want and if this is the only way to get it then I'm sure I'll get through this. I have to be strong, I gotta learn to be strong cause things won't always go right for me but that doesn't mean it won't get better eventually. I just have to learn how to wait for the "eventually" part. And also I mus remember that committing mistakes maybe a good way to learn but it's not always the best form of education. For next year I must learn to forgive and not fuel fire, to be strong and unyielding and stand on my own feet again.

Everything I want to do right now in the exact order of appearance. Has he realized that for the past few months, all my pictures are either with his friends or his family and none of mine. And he goes saying that I always get what I want. F.U. Big time. If not for my sense of decency, I would have slammed the cold hard truth on your face. But again I chose tranquility but this doesn't mean your safe. It just means I'm being pushed away again, unto the door marked exit. Where the light is bright and the air feels nice and warm.

I'm not in the mood to talk, you're not in the mood to listen anyway. How hard is it to understand that I'm doing my best to make time for you? I hate this feeling that I'm no good and like I'm not trying hard enough to make this work because I am, I'm putting effort in here. I'm even looking past the fact that I'm all boxed up. That I have to carry you around when you're down, what about me. Can't I get tired too?

How do I pull myself away from my laptop? Like hell I know.

I have so much to say and yet words escape me. I am overwhelmed with my emotions as much as I am overwhelmed with yours. It's like I'm drowning twice. If I am to survive at all, what would I do? What should I tell you?

Why do you have to smile when you look me in the eyes? Why do you have to sigh everytime I pout? Why do you hold my hand every step I take? Why do you care so much even if I don't? Why are you beside me when everyone else walks away?

Expressing gratitude was my first move and hopefully not my last. You deserve accolades for being good. You deserve respect for staying true to your words. You deserve happiness because you've worked hard for it. You deserve trust cause you earned it.

You think so highly of me, sometimes, no, most of the time I fear I'd ruin what I am to you. To all of you. A lot of people seem to think I'm all that when I'm not. I need someone to be beside me when everything goes wrong and I'm not my perfect self anymore. I need an eye to look after me when nobody else notices me anymore. When heads don't turn when I walk. When people are not scrambling to give me what I want.

Are we really for each other?

I am not the one for cheesy mushy moments. I wear sarcasm on my sleeve not to drive people away but to protect myself. I find it easy to love and so fuckin hard to stay in love. I am taking everything one step at a time right now, doing justice to Leona Lewis' song. I don't need all the attention, not the gifts, not the priviledges. What I'm neeeding is honesty and trust, something I find hard to find. This could be you or I could be wrong yet again. I'm not giving up though.

what  a very stupid way of ending the year...

And once again I'm number two, blogging, crying, being miserable. Yes I wasn't that faithful but I never slept with anybody else at least. Just dated casually. But still, it doesn't give him the right to do this to me and then expect a simple apology would make it all better. FUCK YOU YOU BIG DUMB ASS!

Anyway it's year 2010.

I have to be happy for me. XD

Right now I stand facing a hole in a wall. And the only way to get
over it is to go through it. I have fire around me and I'm playing with it. Eventually it would burn the entirety of me and so I must get out before that happens.

I can turn back as I once did or just go through it to see what's in store on the other side.But the thing is, the hole is circular and Luis and me are cubic. We don't fit, we can try to stick with each other but we're never going to fit through that hole. should i shave off the corners ad curve through the gaps or should i take another form instead? 

I'm facing a blank wall and I'm thinking his maybe our end. This blank wall with only a circular hole. And Luis and me all boxed up with each other. No place to grow, nowhere to go.

Going through some of my old messages in FS, so passe. I'm like, basking in singledom yet again. Wondering how long this will last. I've won the cold war though and rumor has it other camp is already requesting back up from a neutral colleague. Actually, it's doing its best to negotiate, well i don't.

It feels weird to be single though.

But I'll get used to it, hopefully.

I don't liek the feeling of dependency and security. That would make me weak. Me and weak don't go hand in hand, we part ways. He has his loft and I have mine.

I have a lot on my mind right now. Mostly non decripit abnormal useless stuff. But I don't have a lot of mind so this is understandable.

Oh well.

wala lang...

sana di ka na lang nag text

ho well, this is a free country anyway. Now you know how it feels like to be ignored, big time.